Hazel and Gat
by Dancing Feather
Summary: In this classic story of Hansel and Gretel: Sanzo is still angry, Hakkai is still questionable, and the witch is more naked than desired. :Oneshot of crack. One forth of your daily requirement!:


"The version of Hansel and Gretel I will be parodying is the Brothers Grimm." I say while dancing the tango all by myself because all the girls find me repulsive. "All Saiyuki characters belong to Kazuya Minekura." I stop and start gagging as I feel my heart stopping. "If you see any -HACK- spelling or grammar errors -HACK- please feel free to correct me..."

* * *

**Hazel and Gat**

In a rather large forest was a cottage. In this cottage was a poor family. The family was poor because the dad liked reading all day and their only income was the mother who was a monk. The mother was a man, but we won't go into details. The point is the mother doesn't get much money.

"How was your day?" the father named Hakkai would ask.

"I hate you." the mother named Sanzo would reply.

And they had a beautiful daughter. Well, he looked like a beautiful daughter. I bet he would do well in cheer leading if he tried. But this was way back when so it just couldn't be. The daughter's name was Hazel. I assume Hakkai named their daughter because Sanzo has proven much in the past, that naming is the last thing he is good at doing (Aside from getting money).

Hazel, like most pretty children, had a best friend. His best friend was named Gat, who remains male for this story. But for the sake of keeping with the times (and cannon), Gat was more than likely a slave. A hot slave, but a slave nonetheless. Whatever Hazel asked of Gat, Gat would do. Either out of kindness or fear of his own life one can only wonder.

One day, Hakkai was going over the taxes and discovered something _just_ dreadful.

"Oh my," he emphasized, because he is British.

"What?" said the wife figure who was smoking up a storm behind a newspaper, her natural habitat.

"We spend so much on alcohol, cigarettes and other unnecessary trinkets-"

"Alcohol and cigarettes are necessary."

"For the _addicted_, that may seem to be the case."

"I'm not addicted."

There was a pause as the father figure decided that conversation wasn't going to go anywhere nice soon. There had to be another way to explain it without losing his chance for some monk booty later that evening. Tapping a quill against his lower lip, he chose his next words carefully,

"All the same, if we continue to spend like this, we won't have anything to eat by the end of the month." the wall of newspaper finally came down, revealing a terrifying, smoking hag. Unless you are into smoking hags, help yourself.

"I'll tell you what," the blond puffed, "we dump the slave."

"What difference does that make?" Hakkai stood up from his working desk, "He's a slave, we aren't paying him to work here."

"Have you seen this guy? He's over six fucking feet." Sanzo stuffed the bud that was in his mouth into the ashtray that just happens to be there because I conveniently said so, "We kick him out, that will cut our food costs in half."

"I don't think he eats." Hakkai said solemnly (Like he does in so many fanfics).

"Doesn't eat?" Sanzo lit another cigarette, "What the hell is he?"

"I honestly don't know," Hakkai waved the extra smoke from his face. "But we can't get rid of him, Hazel would be heartbroken."

"We'll get rid of him too."

For the sake of cannon (and the fairytale), Hakkai didn't really like Hazel so it settled well for Sanzo. They kicked the two foreigners out promptly and quickly. Hazel had a tearful episode outside the house, but nothing could steer the two in the house to unlock anything, so Gat led his friend into the forest.

"What-what are we ta do?" the nonsmoking blond sniffled.

"I know my way around here," Gat (also) said solemnly, "it will not be too hard to live in the wild."

That day was spent mostly walking away from the cottage and getting lost. They kept walking until Hazel was too tired to carry on, and they stopped at the bottom of a large tree to rest. Hazel snuggling into Gat's side went to sleep immediately. Gat stayed awake the whole night watching Hazel. Like the sweet freak he is.

Upon waking up, Hazel declared that he was hungry. Being the good slave he was, Gat went out searching for breakfast. Hazel, scared of wildlife, stayed close to Gat. After a great deal more walking, they came across a house of great wonder. Both looked on in a trance as they studied the house. The roof was layered in ginger crackers stuck together in chocolate icing and star shaped sugar sprinkles. The walls of the house were made of all sorts of cakes, vanilla to carrot stacked on top of another, sticking together in another icing and covered in glaze. Windows made of clear glass sugar and the front door made of black and red liquorish. Yes, despite it made entirely out of perishable food, the house looked as strong as if it were made out of fruit cake.

It was a magical sight.

"I want to live in that house." Gat sighed as he tried to turn Hazel away from the house. He didn't budge.

"It's probably made out of plastic and prosthetics." Gat tried to urge him.

"Ya don't know that for sure." Hazel scoffed. Gat stayed silent, like he usually does. Hazel smirked thinking he outsmarted his friend, when he really only out talked him. Seriously, if he lived in our world he not only would be cheer leader, he would wear frilly pastels twenty four seven and have a glittered cellphone glued to his ear all day...

"_**Like, oh my God! Gat, you won't believe what Sanzo, like, said to me! What a jerk!"**_

Despite his true calling, Hazel walked up to the house and broke off a part of a windowsill. It was a direct destruction of property, but this was way back when people, there were no laws against it. Apparently liking what he was tasting, he broke off another piece right after another. "Gat! You should really try this!"

"I feel uncomfortable eating someone's house." Hazel rolled his eyes,

"Get over here, Gat." A few minutes went by in munching silence as the two finished one windowsill and started on the flowerbed, which wasn't as vegetable looking upon closer examination.

"Oh, how I love chocolate mint!"

Eventually, the owner of the house realized something funky was going on. Opening the liquorish door, she turned to see who was causing the draft in her house.

"The impudency!" Kanzeon growled, "How dare you!"

Who knew what the shock was from, the fact that they were caught red handed, the owner of the tasty house was a nearly naked woman, or the fact it was a nearly naked woman made the two men pause in action.

_'Ew, that's what the ladies look like under their clothes?'_

This was not the first gay thought that entered Hazel's mind, nor his last.

"I should turn you into stew for what you have done!" Kanzeon grabbed Hazel by his wrist, "You'll pay dearly boy-" And then Gat promptly shot the witch in the face. Hazel got his candy house, and both parties lived happily ever after...

"_And how was your day today, Sanzo dearest?"_

"_Go. Away."

* * *

_"The end." Gojyo sighed as he placed the book down. "There, you got your bedtime story. Are you happy monkey?"

"Okay! You win! I'm sorry I asked!" Goku cried as he hid under the blankets.

* * *

Meanwhile, in another room...

"My gracious! I do believe someone sunk my battleship!"

"Will you go to FUCKING sleep already, Hakkai!" Sanzo almost screamed throwing his last pillow to the bed beside him. "Fucking British..."

* * *

A crack-a-licious end.


End file.
